


Endings, Beginnings

by ForxGood



Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [1]
Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Brief mention of Phil Hudson, Brief mention of Phil/Erin, F/F, Listen I swear I don't hate the man he just makes for SUCH a convenient villain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:28:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22134799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForxGood/pseuds/ForxGood
Summary: Holtzy is living near MIT, working on her PhD, and sharing an apartment with Phil, who is a thorn in her side. Really, he's the worst roommate and person ever, but she sticks around because he’s dating Erin Gilbert (and Ugh, even the name gives her goosebumps). She’s nuts for the woman. Not that it matters, though, because Erin would never look at her twice. But when Phil packs up & leaves in the middle of the night, the two women are brought closer together.
Relationships: Erin Gilbert/Jillian Holtzmann
Series: Final chapters, Blank pages [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597240
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	Endings, Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> Do I have more in this AU? Yes, yes I do. Do I know when I'm going to post it? No, no I do not. But this CAN work as a stand-alone so I might just make this a series rather than a multi-chapter fic. I think that will be best for all of us. Find me at @ForxGood on Twitter to yell at me if you disagree.
> 
> Also, warning: This fic mentions pregnancy and briefly discusses the option of abortion, so turn away now if that's not your cup of tea.

So, as a preface, Holtzy is living near MIT, working on her PhD, and sharing an apartment with Phil, who is a thorn in her side. Really, the worst roommate and person ever. But she sticks around because he’s dating Erin Gilbert. Ugh, even the name gives her goosebumps. She’s nuts for the woman. Not that it matters, though, because Erin would never look at her twice. Or would she? (I’m bad at descriptions don’t hurt me). 

As with every other day, it was the jarring tones of Holtzmann’s alarm that greeted her in the morning, and just like every other morning, she  blindly batted at it, smacking her head against the headboard of her bed in an attempt to turn it off. Yikes, that  hurt every time. 

It had been a long night. There had been commotion from Phil’s room for most of the night, and after almost a year of living with the guy, she had given up on asking him to keep it down while she slept. There was always an excuse; he was studying for a test, or he was working out, or he was on the phone with Erin. No matter how she’d try and argue with him, somehow it always ended with her on the other side of his quickly closing door, wanting nothing more than to come at him with her blowtorch. Last night, all she had heard was stomping and doors slamming and several attempts at a hushed phone call. She’d barely slept at all. 

No matter, though. Holtz had a long day of classes, and she wasn’t about to let Phil’s bullshit get in the way of what she loved doing the most. Letting out a groan, she pushed herself up in bed, doing the same prescribed twelve stretches that she did every morning (don’t ask her why she did them, but it was something of a compulsion, and Holtz never could resist her compulsions), before standing up and walking to her mirror. 

Her unruly hair was matted, as it was every morning, and she let out a huff as she started to work a comb through it, pulling it down the side of her face into her usual faux-shaved sides hairstyle. She’d come up with this do in high school as a way to defy some bullies and had never quite been able to let it go. With a quick go-over with hairspray, it felt like putting on her warmest pair of slippers; familiar and comfortable. Smirking at herself in the mirror, she took a step back, grabbing her deep red robe and pulling it over herself, walking out into the corridor. 

Even in her sleep-deprived state, she knew to dodge to the side as she walked down the hallway, to avoid Phil’s dumbbells that, for some reason, he had decided to store outside of his room, probably because he never touched them. They had been there since he moved in, and she’d never managed to get him to move them. It was a surprise, then, when she moved to dodge them and found nothing there. 

She stopped dead in her tracks at that, frowning at the empty space. He’d cleaned up after himself? That was a first. Phil was precious about cleaning up. He’d often complain that he was tired, or that it wasn’t a big deal and she could live around it. Holtz frowned, scanning the rest of the hallway. That was weird. The trails of his stuff, his piles of books and scattered laundry, were all gone. 

Holtz stood in the corridor, contemplating what this could mean. The logical part of her mind was telling her ‘oh, he probably finally grew a brain and a conscience and decided to clean up after himself for once’, and she knew that this, no matter how unbelievable it was, was the most likely explanation. But still, there was a queasy feeling in her stomach that she couldn’t quite ignore. Something was wrong. And Holtz had learned to never ignore that feeling. 

Frowning, she turned to the door of his bedroom, wringing her hands for a moment, before reaching up and wrapping the door with a knuckle, waiting for a response. She checked her watch. It was 9 AM, he should have been up for at least an hour by now. Pursing her lips, she knocked again. 

“Phil? Phil?” She called out. No answer. 

She bit her lip, every bad scenario she could imagine creeping into her head. Yeah, Phil was a douchebag, but she didn’t want anything really bad to happen to him. So, pushing against every comfort boundary she had when it came to her roommate, she pushed the door open, and her heart almost stopped. 

The room was completely bare. The bed had been stripped, the wardrobe door hung open to show its empty contents, and the desk was completely clear. It was like nobody had ever lived there. 

Holtzmann stumbled back, her heart starting to race. Where had he gone? Why would he leave? 

She marched out to the kitchen to collect her phone (ever since discovering Doodle Jump, she had learned that if she ever wanted to get any rest, she couldn’t keep her phone in her room at night), all the while looking out for any signs of him, getting worried when she could find none. It was as if he’d never existed. 

Quickly dialing his number, her heart sank when she was greeted with a chirpy woman’s voice explaining how the number was unavailable, and she couldn’t help the nauseous feeling that crept over her body. If something had happened to him… the thought was horrifying. No, she had to make sure that he was okay. 

But as she started to dial for the police, she was interrupted by the sound of the doorbell ringing. 

A frown spread across Holtzmann’s face as she turned to face the door. If this was some kind of stupid stunt or prank that Phil had laced together, thinking he was so funny and clever for it, she was really going to start making some blueprints for some kind of mechanical face-slapper, so that she wouldn’t have to constantly work herself down from actually snapping at him. It wouldn’t even be the first time he’d pulled a prank on her that hadn’t actually been entirely funny. Months ago, he had filled the apartment with chairs, and she remembered opening the door to the apartment, and instantly walking into the side of an armchair. Because they had all been so tightly packed together in the apartment, this set off a sort of chain reaction of chairs tipping over, until one had fallen on top of and smashed the prototype she had been working on for her PhD, where it had been stashed on her work desk in the office. He had then countered that if it had been a precious project, she should’ve hidden it in her room. 

Maybe he thought he was being funny. Maybe it was his intention to get Holtzy panicking about calling the police with a missing person’s report, before gliding back through the front doors as if nothing happened. As annoying as it would be, it was definitely better than the alternative. 

Pursing her lips, ready to give him hell, she marched over to the door, opening it. However, her anger quickly faded and was replaced with a steely-headed confusion when she saw Erin Gilbert on the other side. 

It should be noted that ‘steely-headed confusion’ was not Holtzmann’s usual response to seeing Erin. In fact, she was rarely ever steely-headed around the other woman, and was mostly a flustered mess. After starting a mini-fire about four months ago, Holtzmann had banned herself from going anywhere near her work when the physicist was around. 

She’d had a crush on Erin since pretty much the first time that Phil had brought the brunette home. Erin was beautiful, to begin with, with a crystal-clear laugh and a long streak of kindness that Holtz had been lucky to see on a few occasions. She was taller than Holtz, which although wasn’t very difficult feat for anyone, somehow seemed to be even more of a turn-on for the engineer. The two had spoken on occasion, but knowing that Holtz was a lesbian, Phil had always been very protective of Erin, and rarely left her alone in the apartment when she was around. It had made Holtzmann feel alienated, and dirty, as if she were a danger to Erin, even though she knew she wasn’t. She was just a girl slightly besotted with a brilliant particle physicist with a beautiful laugh. 

A laugh that was nowhere to be seen now. 

Erin’s eyes were bloodshot, and still threatened to spill over with tears. Her hair was slightly matted, like she hadn’t slept well last night, and she stood slightly hunched. Even though the woman was definitely taller than Holtzmann, she had never looked so small. 

“…………… He really left, didn’t he?”

At Erin’s words, Holtz’s confusion vanished and the anger crept back. It wasn’t the annoyance she had felt earlier, but a red-hot anger that reverberated through her body. She just knew he would hurt her. She knew it. 

“What happened?” She asked. “What did he do?” 

Erin couldn’t really bring herself to speak again. She didn’t even really know what to say. What do you tell someone you’ve only really known as your boyfriend’s roommate? ‘My boyfriend left me after telling me to abort the baby I’m having because birth control pills aren’t 100% effective and he refused to use a condom and now I’m all alone’? She’d be laughed out of the room in seconds.

“… He left me.” She spoke quietly, her voice sounding smaller than she had intended it to. “He texted me last night. This morning. He… He couldn’t ‘deal’ with me anymore…”

As she listened to the brunette speak, Holtzmann had to take a few deep breaths to calm herself down from the level of anger that was threatening her in her throat. Yes, the anger was rightly placed, but one look at Erin told her that Holtz blowing up with anger in any form was the last thing she needed to deal with. 

But seriously, what kind of guy just packs up and leaves his life with nothing more than a ‘goodbye’? She knew Phil was annoying, immature, and kind of an asshole, but she had never imagined him to actually be cruel. Skipping town just for a breakup was a level of douchebaggery that she could barely imagine anybody having. It was too awful, it caused too much pain, and although she had never been a fan of Erin and Phil’s relationship, she hadn’t wanted it to end like this. 

Furthermore, how could he look at Erin and decide to leave? How could any man look at Erin and decide that this wasn’t what he wanted? How could a person look at Erin and say something that they knew would hurt her? It made Holtz’s blood boil. Maybe there was more to the story than Holtz knew about, but it almost didn’t even matter. What he had done was unforgivable. 

And although she had a billion questions, although she wanted to punch the wall, she fixed her eyes onto where Erin stood, silent tears falling down her face. No matter how angry and upset Holtzmann was, she couldn’t imagine how it was for Erin. Erin needed to come first. 

She sighed, letting go of the anger for just enough time to take a step back, pulling the door open wider. “Come in, Erin.” She said softly. 

Much to her surprise, Erin lingered in the doorway for a few seconds, clearly hesitant to accept her help. Part of her worried that maybe she’d done the wrong thing. But then Erin began speaking again. 

“A-are you sure? I.. I really don’t wanna impose… You probably have more important things to worry about….”

But even Erin had to admit her apologies sounded a little half-hearted. Erin was a comfort creature. She craved affection and affirmation and approval more than anything else in her life. She wanted— needed to not be alone right now. She just hadn’t expected Holtzmann to be the one to offer to provide this comfort. Even if Holtz was just doing this to be nice, Erin wanted to take her up on this.

Taking a few steps inside, Erin had a chance to look around the now so much emptier apartment. Phil hadn’t just left, he’d left. Taken everything he owned. Maybe even a few of her things, too, come to think of it. She still had some of his stuff, for starters. (Not much, Phil had never been the guy to leave behind a hoodie for her to wear, but still…)

It was jarring, in a way, to see just how empty and ‘clean’ the apartment now was. It made it feel all the more real to Erin, just how alone she was in all this right now. She bit her lip to keep it from trembling, even though all she wanted right now was to curl up and disappear from the world.

“…Did he tell you? That he was leaving?”

Holtzmann shook her head as she walked over to the kitchen counter, filling up a kettle with water and putting it to boil. This was what her mom had always done when Holtz had been upset; give her a cup of chamomile tea and let her talk about it. Or, in the case of Holtz and her mother, let a teenage Holtz wallow in her disgruntled state on the couch until she finally let whatever was bothering her burst out. In any case, hot tea was her first instinct when it came to comforting people, and since she didn’t quite know what to say to the physicist at this point, it felt like a good starting point. 

She was vaguely aware of Erin looking around the apartment, not wanting to think about how painful it must be for the brunette, to see her boyfriend leave without a trace. Taking the kettle off the boil and pouring the water into a mug she looked back over at Erin before dropping a tea bag into the mug.

“No. I mean, I thought something was probably going on last night. He made so much noise all night. But then I just woke up, and…” She gestured around, indicating that the end of her sentence was ‘and he was gone’. 

Pursing her lips, she picked the mug up off the table, walking over to where Erin stood, and held the cup out to her. “Here. Take this.” She said, looking up at Erin’s face with eyes full of hope that she would appreciate the gesture. “You can sit on the couch. We’ll figure this out.” 

Erin took her direction pretty well, even if she seemed rather confused by Holtz’s actions. The blonde supposed it was just a side-effect of the brunette’s life being thrown in such upheaval, but there was something about the way Erin was looking so lost that made her think otherwise. She watched as Erin sat down, still feeling slightly uncomfortable in terms of what to do. Part of her instinctively wanted to perch on the couch next to her, but Phil’s nonverbal warnings to her over the last few months about getting too close to Erin were enough to make it an impossible feat. Instead, she moved to perch on the end of their low table that sat in front of the couch, studying Erin’s face as she cradled the mug.

“… It’s my favorite, how’d you know?” She sounded a little amazed at that, and Holtz stuttered for a moment, shrugging and brushing some hair out of her face.

“I, uh… I just figured… I don’t know.” She said pathetically, deciding to leave out that she knew Erin’s favorite kind of tea from the times she had seen Erin grab a bag from the box and give a sigh of contentment at the smell of the hot tea that, at the time, had made Holtzmann want to repeatedly slam her head against a table. 

She crossed her arms, resting her elbows on her thighs, watching as Erin sat and noting how stiff she seemed to be. Like she was uncomfortable, as if she was overstepping, and all Holtz wanted to do was scream that she was welcome, that she wasn’t overstepping, that Holtz would do anything for the brunette. But, for now, she shut her mouth. 

“Thank you. For this. For… Being nice. I just… I don’t really know where else to go right now…” Erin smiled weakly at her, and Holtz had to exert serious self control to not march out of that apartment, hunt Phil down, and hurt him for hurting Erin like this. She didn’t even know the details of anything that had happened, but seeing Erin looking so helpless and hurt filled her body with pure, unadulterated rage. 

That rage abated a little as Erin spoke again, looking at Holtz with those bambi eyes of hers. 

“… You can sit with me, you know?” She said, making Holtz hesitate just a little.. “I don’t bite. Or, you know… I mean, you don’t have to if you’re uncomfortable I just… I don’t want you to feel.. unwelcome….”

Part of her was relieved that at least it wasn’t totally creepy and weird that she had wanted to sit next to Erin, it couldn’t be if Erin wanted it to. Another thought then crossed her mind, that maybe Erin had only offered for Holtz to move to the couch to be nice. But it was quickly cancelled by the smallest little voice in her head that reasoned a thought that filled her with warmth and nerves all at once; maybe she just wants to be close to you. 

It was enough for Holtz to put on a gentle smile, give a quick nod, and move to sit next to her on the couch, being sure to still give Erin some space in case she had misread everything and Erin actually just was trying to be nice. 

She pursed her lips, looking at where Erin sat with her mug of tea, looking so helpless, and sighed. “What happened?” 

“I…. I don’t really… know.” Erin started, taking a shaky breath to calm herself down and keep from crying again. “We were doing fine. I thought. I…” She swallowed, knowing full well there was one thing that could have driven Phil away, but even so, Erin was scared to confess it.

Holtzmann just listened to Erin speak, her eyes running over the other woman’s frame, trying to gauge how she was feeling. Her shoulders were stiff, her hands were curled around her mug, her fingers red from the heat of the tea. She looked so scared, and Holtz wanted nothing more than to scoop the taller woman up in her arms, hold her, press kisses against her temple, tell her it would be alright. But, alas, she knew it wasn’t appropriate right now. All she could do was listen. 

Even so, it still irritated her how Phil had bailed over a simple breakup. Break up with a girl, fine, but just skip town? That was screwed up. 

“… I’m pregnant. I... He wants me to get rid of it. But that was 4 days ago, and now….”

It was those last words that made Holtz’s blood run cold, and her mouth fell open. 

Erin was pregnant. 

Erin was pregnant with Phil’s baby. 

Holtz’s eyes flitted down to look at the brunette’s stomach briefly, despite knowing that she was probably not showing yet, before clearing her throat and bringing her hands up to rub her face. She didn’t quite have the brainpower right now to be angry or upset, she just needed to get her facts straight. 

“Oh.” Was all she could say at first, before she brought her eyes back up to look at Erin, shaking her head. “He left you… because you’re pregnant?” 

“I… I don’t know” Erin sniffled, the tears welling up again. “I don’t know why. But that’s the only thing that changed. I told him… I told him it was okay, because I thought— I thought he’d be here. To… hold my hand, you know? If— When I….” 

She couldn’t even say it. The thought of actually getting an abortion had made her feel sick with dread, and until now she had secretly hoped maybe Phil would change his mind. 

Instead he’d skipped town in the middle of the night.

“But he’s not. He’s not here, and I don’t know why. I don’t know what happened. I don’t….” Tears were streaming down her face now, Erin gripping the teacup with an almost ferocious intensity, willing herself to keep it together. 

Holtz pulled her bottom lip into her mouth, chewing it to keep her nerves at bay. This was totally out of her comfort zone. She was the youngest of two sisters, and it had been wholly unlikely for her to ever be in this kind of position, so she had no experience with pregnancy in any capacity. She didn’t know what advice to give, what comforting words to say, how to best help Erin in this situation. And God, she wanted to help Erin. She just didn’t know where to start. 

But she wasn’t an idiot. She knew what a dink move it was, skipping out on a girl when she revealed that she was pregnant. 

As Erin started to cry, it almost broke Holtz’s heart, and her frown intensified as she willed herself to keep it together, for her sake. She kicked herself for making a comment like that, that set Erin off. Of course Erin knew that Phil left her, she didn’t need Holtzmann’s big mouth closed-captioning it. She took a deep breath, trying to figure out what to do to best help the crying physicist. 

It was no use trying to figure this out. She didn’t know what else to do other than follow her gut.

With one swift movement, Holtz reached forward, using one hand to pluck the half-empty mug of tea from Erin’s hand and set it on the coffee table, her other arm wrapping around the brunette’s slender frame, pulling her as close as possible, resting her chin on Erin’s head. She wrapped one arm around Erin’s body, her other hand resting on her back, not even caring that Erin was crying into her shoulder now. 

“It’s going to be okay.” She tried to put conviction into her voice, but it came out weak, and she winced at it, tightening her arms around her in compensation. “You’re going to be okay.”

She could sense Erin’s surprise when she closed the distance between them, but the blonde’s warm embrace was enough to set Erin off completely. To Erin, Holtzmann’s arms were like a fortress, a warm blanket, making her feel safe and warm and loved in a way that not even Phil had ever quite managed. It made Erin feel as if it was somehow okay to break down, to let down her guard, even though there was no solid evidence as to why her boyfrie— ex-boyfriend’s roommate would even be okay with that.

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I did wrong. How could he just leave me? I promised I’d make it right. How could he just leave me?” She cried, her hands clinging to Holtzmann’s shirt now that she didn’t have a cup of tea to hold.

In complete honesty, she didn’t even have an answer to her questions. A small part of her brain told her that she’d always known Phil wasn’t that invested in their relationship. That she’d always known she was settling for him. But even so, she hadn’t realized Phil despised her quite that much. She hadn’t considered the option that Phil would not only dump her when she got pregnant by accident, but completely leave her alone. It was nothing she’d prepared for, and she couldn’t begin to think about how he could have made this decision.

Was she really that easy to despise?

“I’m sorry…” She sobbed, her face still buried in Holtzmann’s shoulder as she cried. “I’m sorry, you don’t need this. You’re being so nice to me and I’m just a mess and I’m sorry.” In a way, it felt as if she was abusing Holtzmann’s kindness. Here she was, crying, in the arms of a nice girl who she barely even knew, telling her about things she probably didn’t even care about. “I promise I’ll go soon, I’m sorry. I just… I don’t know what to do…”

Holtz gently rocked her, knowing that if this was any other situation, Erin’s grip on her shirt would’ve been a major distraction to contend with. But now, Holtz just needed to show her that somebody cared, and ignoring that was the best way to do that. 

She leaned back slightly to better support Erin’s weight, pulling the brunette to lean against her as she cried, hoping that it wasn’t too intimate or whatever. It seemed like this was what Erin needed, but she didn’t want to cross any boundaries or make the physicist uncomfortable. The two of them didn’t really know each other, after all, despite what feelings Holtz definitely had for the girl. 

At that moment, the only thing stopping her from marching out of the apartment to hunt Phil down and lay it into him was Erin sobbing into her shoulder. Erin found out she’s pregnant and he wanted to leave? And now, here she was, completely devastated. If they had broken up in any other circumstances, maybe she wouldn’t be so angry. But, as awful as it was for her, Erin needed Phil, and Phil had abandoned her. 

At Erin’s words, Holtz frowned, instantly shaking her head. “No. Stop. I’m not doing anything today.” She lied through her teeth, mentally making a note to email the lab an apology and an offer to reschedule her time with the electron accelerator. It should be fine, though, Holtz had never missed a day in the lab beforehand, and this was more important, so they’d have to understand. 

“Just… stay here.” She mumbled. “I’m not going anywhere. Stay until you feel better, and then we’ll talk about it.” Her words came out slightly jilted, as she wasn’t quite sure how to say them. How do you tell a nearly-stranger that you’re crazy about her and would sit with her for days if she needed? 

Erin shook her head in response, her face still buried in Holtzmann’s shoulder. “No, no, it’s fine. I’m… I’m basically a stranger and I know you don’t wanna be friends with people, let alone me.” She sniffled, still holding on to Holtzmann for dear life. Selfish as she knew it was, she didn’t wanna be left alone just yet. “Phil told me you don’t like making friends so it’s fine. I promise I’ll go soon. I just…” 

At Erin’s words, it felt like somebody had poured ice water down her back, and she stiffened, her mouth tightening. He had said what? 

Holtz’s mind instantly went back to all of the times he’d made her feel awful and disgusting for being in the same room as Erin. All of the times they’d had a passing word in the kitchen and Phil had walked in, turning the blender on to drown their words out. All of the times Holtz had managed to pull together a smile for Erin, only to have it go unnoticed as Phil distracted her. All of the ugly looks that had been shot Holtz’s way when she opened her mouth to speak to the brunette. 

He had been telling Erin that Holtz didn’t want to be friends. 

It felt like a red-hot poker in her side, and she squeezed her eyes closed for a moment, trying to come to grips with how much it hurt. “He said that?” She asked softly. 

Erin nodded softly, finally untangling herself a little from the blonde’s embrace. She could feel Holtzmann tensing up as she spoke, Erin moving to look up at the blonde with watery eyes. She could immediately see the hurt on Holtzmann’s face, and Erin knew she had fucked up. Fucked up majorly. But still, the thought of Phil lying to her about that…

“I… I remember feeling sad about that. When he said it. I… I wanted to be your friend” She spoke carefully, trying to convey to Holtzmann just how much Erin had admired her. Just how much she had initially hoped the two of them could have been friends. Because Erin had had a strong admiration for Holtzmann since the moment they met. There weren’t a lot of women in physics or engineering, and Erin had always hoped to have someone, someone other than Abby, who shared her passion for the field instead of a passion for clothes and make up which she’d never fully understood.

But Erin had never been the type of person to go against someone’s wishes. And if Phil said Holtzmann wasn’t looking to be her friend, Erin wasn’t going to push her. No matter her admiration.

“I still want to be your friend. And I’m not… I’m not just saying that because my boyfriend dumped me and I’m alone and you’re just being so, so nice to me, nicer than I deserve, but if you don’t wanna be friends that’s okay. I’m not that crazy needy person who needs everybody to be her friend or anything…” She was babbling, she knew she was, but everything in her life was just such a mess right now she didn’t really know what else to do.

Holtzmann didn’t really know why Phil’s comments to Erin bothered her so much. Maybe it was the years of people telling her that she was weird, the years of not having any real friends. It wasn’t easy, being the eccentric lesbian who was overly obsessed with science and engineering, and she’d had people just like Phil throughout her life wanting to tear her down, to tell her that she would never be worthy of friends. 

And she was so fucking sick of it. 

Because this girl was sat in front of her, after something devastating happened, feeling like she wasn’t allowed to turn to Holtzmann because she thought Holtzmann didn’t want friends. It was bullshit. 

So she shook her head, pushing those feelings of hurt aside. She needed to be strong right now, for Erin if nothing else. “He was wrong. He was…” She trailed off, not allowing herself to get angry. “It doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is you.” She exhaled, looking at the brunette. “What do you need right now?” 

“No, it matters.” Erin sniffed, wiping a little at the silent tears still falling from her face. “It matters because you spent time thinking maybe I didn’t like you or didn’t want to be your friend and I do. Because I think you’re a really great and really smart person and I want to be your friend.”

Erin was still holding on to Holtz a little, her hands resting on the blonde’s arms, incapable of letting go of the physical contact completely. It warmed her, knowing Holtzmann was here, knowing the blonde wanted to help, even if the news that Phil had been feeding her lies about the girl hurt Erin’s heart. 

Because she could have been friends with Holtzmann sooner. There was so much Erin wanted to talk to her about, a sense of kinship she hadn’t felt in a long time, and it hurt her to know that that had been taken away from her by lies.

And if it hurt her, she couldn’t imagine how it must feel for Holtzmann, having spent so long thinking Erin didn’t want to befriend her. (Of course, that was working under the assumption Holtzmann cared about her enough to be her friend, but Erin had a strong feeling that she did).

Holtzmann, for her part, distractedly moved her fingers around Erin’s skin where she was holding onto her arm, trying to conceal how painful she was finding this. She had friends… sort of. Not close ones. She got along fine with everyone at MIT, but it was difficult to find people who could stomach her level off oddball for long enough to be friends with her. 

And she couldn’t lie, she really wanted someone like that. 

So she pursed her lips, looking up at the brunette and feeling a tingle go down her spine as she said she wanted to be her friend. All she’d ever wanted when it came to Erin was to make the girl smile, and now she was offering to be friends? 

She gave Erin a small smile, nodding. “Then screw Phil. He’s not worth the gum under your shoe. Let’s be friends.” She gently squeezed Erin’s arms, starting to feel a little bit more comfortable with her actions around the other woman. 

The mention of Phil had Erin swallowing a little, the knowledge that there was still quite a situation to be dealt with clear in her mind. She was still pregnant. She still had to go to planned parenthood, still had to get an abortion… If she could even go through with that at all. She still had so many questions when it came to why Phil left, or why he’d hurt not just her but also Holtzmann like this, or why he didn’t want them to be friends.

But hey, at least Holtzmann wanted to be her friend, and that knowledge could really only make her smile at the blonde. There was simply no denying her admiration for the young woman, and Erin wanted nothing more than to just spend her time talking to her about all sorts of things. But feeling like saying that might come off as just a little creepy, Erin instead settled for hugging the woman again, holding her tight and smiling.

“Thank you, Holtzmann. For this... For everything. I’d be honored to be your friend.” 

Holtzmann felt her breath catch in her throat as Erin pulled her in for a hug, trying to stop her heart from racing too much, but failing. There was something about the freely offered touch that Holtz couldn’t stop thinking about. It had been denied to her so many times, that she was almost grateful for it now. And from Erin Gilbert, no less. 

“I admire you a lot, you know?” Erin spoke softly, still hugging the young engineer. “I saw a few of your inventions around the place sometimes… I always wondered how they worked.”

Holtzmann’s heart didn’t stand a chance against those words, beating the fastest she’d ever heard it beat. Because wow, Erin Gilbert admired her. Erin Gilbert liked her inventions. She felt like a giggly schoolgirl with a crush (oh, who was she kidding? She was a giggly schoolgirl with a crush), and she wanted to squeal and bounce and write in her diary. 

But instead, she pulled away a little bit, letting out an awkward laugh. “Oh, uh…” She cleared her throat. “It’s nothing, just a little mechanics here and there, y’know.” She brought one hand up to scratch her head, not knowing how to take the compliment and wanting nothing more than to slam her head against the low table in front of them. 

Erin pulled back a little to smile at Holtz, finding the reaction and humbleness oddly endearing. “I mean it. You’re one of the smartest people I know. At least, you look like you are. And I… I’d really like it if you told me about them someday.”

Holtz felt a smile spread across her face as Erin said she would want to see her inventions, and she could feel her cheeks blush a little bit. If there was one way to get to Holtzmann’s heart (not that Erin would have to try very hard), it was complimenting her work. There was nothing that Holtz took more pride in or cared more about. 

She was about to nod, and suggest that they look at one particular invention sometime, before Erin quickly pulled away, muttering an apology and sprinting out of the room, and Holtz was suddenly reminded of the reality of the situation. Erin was pregnant, she was bound to have morning sickness. 

God, Erin was really pregnant. That was an alien thought. Holtz tried to picture Erin as a mother, but it was hard to. Not that she didn’t think that Erin was cut out to be a mother, that wasn’t it at all, but knowing how unprepared Holtz would feel if she suddenly became a parent, she couldn’t imagine someone else going through it either. 

Holtz exhaled, clearing her throat as she stood up, following Erin to the bathroom, peering in, her stomach churning as she heard the sounds. Yikes. It sounded rough. 

Holtz knew what a friend would do in this situation, so she took a deep breath, making her way into the bathroom and dropping to her knees beside Erin. The brunette was hunched over the toilet bowl, retching and clearly feeling nothing short of miserable. Using her fingertips, Holtzmann gathered Erin’s hair from her sides and pulled it up into a makeshift ponytail on top of her head, held together only by Holtzmann’s fingers. With her other hand, she rested it on the brunette’s back, rubbing reassuringly. 

“Alright, I’ve got your hair, it’s gonna be okay.” She murmured, feeling so out of her depth. 

Trying to catch her breath, her eyes watery, Erin vaguely realized Holtzmann had joined her, and was comforting her while holding Erin’s hair back. She really didn’t deserve the blonde engineer in her life, especially right now, but Erin couldn’t be more grateful for her presence. It made her feel slightly less alone in all of this. She wondered if maybe Holtzmann would be okay with joining her for her appointment in a few days - the appointment Phil had left her on ‘read’ about 2 days ago. Because sure, they had decided to be friends, but still…

Heaving slightly, Erin coughed, brushing her fringe from her eyes with her fingers. “Thank you…” She mumbled, not daring to look up at Holtz in case this particular symptom hadn’t quite subsided yet. “’m sorry….”

Holtz shook her head immediately at Erin’s words. “Don’t be sorry. When you gotta puke, you gotta puke. Especially when you’re… pregnant.” She took a deep breath, trying to calm the whirring of her thoughts and breathe through her mouth to not smell anything. She had no qualms about doing this for Erin, but it was still a lot to contend with. 

She moved one hand from Erin’s back to reach into her own hair, grabbing some of the pins that held her signature hairstyle in place, and used them to secure Erin’s hair so that it stayed out of her face, in case she needed to be sick again. She then stood up, going to the sink and grabbing the glass, filling it up with water. 

Moving back down to her knees, she handed the glass to Erin, moving her hand back to where it lay on her back. If you’d asked her a month ago where she thought she’d be at this moment, ‘sitting on the floor of her bathroom with Erin Gilbert’ was not what she thought. And yet, she couldn’t help the little voice that thanked every lucky star out there that this happened. 

“How are you feeling?” She asked, once she was sure that speaking wouldn’t make her gag as well. 

Erin had been about to answer when she heaved again, cringing at how she was still throwing up. She was, for all intents and purposes, a mess. An ugly, crying, messy mess. And pregnant, to top it all off.

“Oh god, I’m really pregnant…” She sighed, accepting the water glass from Holtz the moment she felt like she had her stomach under control again. Rinsing her mouth and flushing, Erin resting her head against the toilet, trying to regain some control of her breathing. 

“I feel… miserable.” She replied, deciding there was no point in lying to Holtzmann right now. “I’m so sorry you got dragged into this. I don’t even feel right asking you for anything more, but….” Erin sighed, tilting her head to look at Holtzmann. ”I… I have a… an appointment, this Thursday, and… I… Will you come with me?” She asked. “I don’t think I can… Do it, otherwise… She sighed, barely even finishing her sentence before shaking her head. “I don’t know if I can do it at all. Get…. Get rid of it, I mean…”

She realized it was a lot. She was unloading a lot on Holtzmann right now. More than just a lot. But without anyone else to turn to, it just sort of… happened. She didn’t know what else to do other than be honest with the blonde. Sighing again, Erin wiped at her eyes, feeling completely overwhelmed and in over her head about this situation. She could only imagine how this all translated to Holtzmann.

“I’m in so much trouble…”

Holtzmann shook her head, Erin’s question having stopped her. Of course, she’d walk to the moon and back for the brunette, but she, never in a million years, imagined that Erin would want the blonde to go to a doctor’s appointment with her. It seemed too intimate, too private. But if this was what Erin needed, Holtz wouldn’t think twice about obliging. 

“Of course I’ll go with you. You need someone there.” She spoke softly, and the look of gratitude on Erin’s face was all the confirmation she needed that, despite her nerves, she’d made the right call. Still, there was something that was bothering her about Erin’s previous words, her stomach churning partially with nausea and partially with nerves. 

“You’re not in trouble, though. We’ll figure this out. But Erin… getting rid of it…” She shook her head, trying to find the words. “Getting an abortion. Is that what you want? Because it doesn’t sound like it.” 

Holtzmann’s words caught her off guard a little, Erin flinching a little at the realization that the blonde could see right through her. Was getting an abortion what she wanted? Not in the slightest. Not even close. But what else was she going to do?

“… I can’t raise a child…” She sighed, looking at Holtzmann as she bit her lip. “I’m just a student, Holtz. I’m alone. I don’t… I can’t take care of a child right now.” But there was a tremor in her voice that betrayed her fear, her uncertainties, the same things holding her back from actually going through with what she had promised Phil she would do.

She was in no way capable of being, or ready to be, a mother. Not in the slightest. But something inside her told her that despite all of that, there was something inside her holding her back. Maybe it was the way she was raised, her catholic parents sending her to Sunday School every week as a child. But for some reason, getting an abortion scared her more than the prospect of being a mother, alone and untrained.

“… I really don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I wish I did.”

Holtzmann nodded solemnly as Erin spoke. She didn’t know what to suggest. She didn’t know enough about Erin’s life and circumstances to be able to assess the situation as well as possible. What she did want was for Erin to make this decision in a way that was right for her, and if that meant with Holtz by her side, she’d be sure to be there every step of the way. 

She pursed her lips, thinking for a moment, before speaking. “My mom raised me and my sister alone. She was 22 when I was born, 19 when my sister was born. I never knew my dad. Yeah, it was hard, but if my mom could make it work, then anyone could.” She chuckled at that, before sighing and shaking her head. 

Pushing herself down, she moved to sit cross-legged on the floor in front of Erin. “I’m not saying it’s what you should do. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. But… you have options.” She looked up, making eye contact with Erin. 

And seeing Erin’s eyes so bloodshot and in pain, she couldn’t help but feel that surge of anger towards Phil again, but she pushed that thought aside and took Erin’s hand in hers. “I’ll help with anything.” 

Erin felt herself smile at the supportive words falling from Holtzmann’s lips, even despite her current situation. Because yes, she was fucked. She was in way over her head, she was alone, and she had no idea what to do next. But with Holtzmann being here, smiling at her like she did, looking at Erin like she did… It made Erin feel less alone. It made her feel like she had someone on her side, a friend, for the first time since Abby.

And when Holtz squeezed her hand, Erin squeezed back, eternally grateful for the young engineer who was willing to help Erin with her near impossible predicament.

“… Please come with me?” She asked, her voice a little stronger now that she felt that Holtzmann was actually here for her, actually wanted to help her and didn’t mind Erin was the mess she was right now. “That’s all I ask right now. Just… hold my hand. I don’t… I don’t know what I’m going to do, but.. It would really help to know I’m not alone.”

“Anything you need.” Holtz replied, trying not to get too distracted by Erin’s smile.

Squeezing Holtz’s hand again, Erin smiled at her even more. “I think your mom did an amazing job raising you. You’re a wonderful person, Holtzmann. I feel lucky to know you.”

Holtzmann wanted to tell her that it was nothing, that she’d do anything for the brunette currently sitting on her bathroom floor, but she knew that would be a little inappropriate. Instead, she just returned the smile, and tried not to vomit herself as another bout of nausea hit Erin, instead holding the other woman’s hair back as she puked.

It may be less than glamorous, but despite everything, Holtzmann was grateful that at least this had brought Erin into her life as a friend. And she wouldn’t trade that for the world.


End file.
